Broken Prayer
Dear Lord,
The pain is so real, the hopelessness so consuming. My carnal mind tells me that I'm stupid for opening up again, for allowing myself to hope that this time something would be different. It tells me that the only way to get through this is to be numb and indifferent. But then I hear Your little whispers telling me to stay soft and trust You that it's for the best.
I really want to do that, Jesus, but it's so hard. Staying soft means that I get squished and trampled on. Allowing myself to feel means that I experience the pain deep down. I bleed so continuously that I no longer have the strength to stand up and fight once again.
It feels like a cruel joke. Every time there's the choice to reach out to someone, I try to be cautious and reserved. I distance myself and sometimes even hurt them because I'm trying not to set myself up for another fall. But then You tell Me I need to give of myself and share a piece of my heart with another. You lovingly cajole me and sometimes even do something more serious to get me out of myself and opening up to others.
Then just when I've gotten over that hurdle and I begin to embrace them, I start thinking that just maybe this time it will be different, that maybe this time I won't get hurt. I allow myself to believe and trust the words they say only to have the rug pulled out from under me.
I find myself hardly able to crawl. My previous injuries have barely healed, before I'm broken once again. The voice in my head cackles and points an accusing finger, "I told you it was stupid!" And there I kneel, my body willing me to walk away for good, to never return. But there's Your gentle voice telling me to trust You yet again. It whispers ever so softly, asking me to give it all over to You and not try to "save myself".
I want to yield it all to you, but I'm terrified. Every time I believe that someone really cares about me, I find out later that it was all a sham, it wasn't really how they felt - just a confusion of the mind. It tears me apart every time the more I try to cling to some ray of hope, the fiercer it is ripped from me. I can't keep going on like this and yet You've promised that You'll never give me more than I can handle. So I know I still have more to go.
Help me now to once again give my life and heart over to You. Please give me the courage to share a hug and a smile. Give me the strength I need just to kneel at Your feet and surrender it all. I need Your healing balm. I need Your love to keep my heart beating and my spirit from quitting. But most of all, please just hold in Your arms right now and soothe the aching inside. Send your angels to sing me their song of love so I can once again sleep in peace.
And now, from this vantage point of being on my knees, I give it all to You - every piece of my heart and every corner of my life.
The pain is so real, the hopelessness so consuming. My carnal mind tells me that I'm stupid for opening up again, for allowing myself to hope that this time something would be different. It tells me that the only way to get through this is to be numb and indifferent. But then I hear Your little whispers telling me to stay soft and trust You that it's for the best.
I really want to do that, Jesus, but it's so hard. Staying soft means that I get squished and trampled on. Allowing myself to feel means that I experience the pain deep down. I bleed so continuously that I no longer have the strength to stand up and fight once again.
It feels like a cruel joke. Every time there's the choice to reach out to someone, I try to be cautious and reserved. I distance myself and sometimes even hurt them because I'm trying not to set myself up for another fall. But then You tell Me I need to give of myself and share a piece of my heart with another. You lovingly cajole me and sometimes even do something more serious to get me out of myself and opening up to others.
Then just when I've gotten over that hurdle and I begin to embrace them, I start thinking that just maybe this time it will be different, that maybe this time I won't get hurt. I allow myself to believe and trust the words they say only to have the rug pulled out from under me.
I find myself hardly able to crawl. My previous injuries have barely healed, before I'm broken once again. The voice in my head cackles and points an accusing finger, "I told you it was stupid!" And there I kneel, my body willing me to walk away for good, to never return. But there's Your gentle voice telling me to trust You yet again. It whispers ever so softly, asking me to give it all over to You and not try to "save myself".
I want to yield it all to you, but I'm terrified. Every time I believe that someone really cares about me, I find out later that it was all a sham, it wasn't really how they felt - just a confusion of the mind. It tears me apart every time the more I try to cling to some ray of hope, the fiercer it is ripped from me. I can't keep going on like this and yet You've promised that You'll never give me more than I can handle. So I know I still have more to go.
Help me now to once again give my life and heart over to You. Please give me the courage to share a hug and a smile. Give me the strength I need just to kneel at Your feet and surrender it all. I need Your healing balm. I need Your love to keep my heart beating and my spirit from quitting. But most of all, please just hold in Your arms right now and soothe the aching inside. Send your angels to sing me their song of love so I can once again sleep in peace.
And now, from this vantage point of being on my knees, I give it all to You - every piece of my heart and every corner of my life.
posted by whacky at 1:51 pm
6 Comments:
Praying for you, Anj, and praying that His comfort will outdo the pain you feel. I've prayed this prayer, oh, so often, myself. - Over and over and over and over again...
I've even prayed the prayer of wanting a break from the pain, and the Lord in His mercy gave me a time once when it all just didn't matter - I felt like a duck with it all just rolling off my back - I had other things to do that kept me busier, and I was able to engross myself in those rather than worry about "feeling", to then receive the hurt.
I often look at the situation as if that carrot (that person perhaps?) is so close, yet so far, and each time I feel I'm about to reach it, its pulled away, and I'm left, as always, wanting it, but not reaching it. But you know, the Lord recently gave me an interesting word picture that really helped me to see the bigger perspective. I guess if I was using the concept of a carrot then the Lord, in His humor, made me the donkey :) - and as in the case of the donkey or horse pulling the cart, the goal isn't to reach the carrot, but to get to the destination we're getting to. - The carrot is what He uses to get our attention, to get us going in the right direction. I know in my case, though the hurt has been a lot at times, I have also enjoyed the "carrots" in my life immensely. The Lord could just ask me to get to that destination and use the whip, but instead He allows the carrots of life to spice it up for me.
I don't know, I realize the Lord uses different things for different ones of us, so this might not cut the cake for you, but it did for me, and at this point, though I'm also hurt, I'm finding that thanking Him for that carrot helps me to keep a brighter countenance.
My impression of you is that, being an Aries like myself, its so easy to just put our mind to the concept of "I just won't let it move me". Whether we really succeed or not is for others to say, but I think I've gone through stages where I chose to shut it all out, but as you put "I distance myself and sometimes even hurt them because I'm trying not to set myself up for another fall."
I never agreed with the concept of "its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all", but then what would like be without love, without those special carrots? I don't know, I guess it comes down to trusting that He knows.
Sorry, I didn't mean to make this so long. Again, praying for you!
there is only one thing that i can say, it really is a beautiful prayer Anj, i'm really sorry that you're having to go through all this yet again, and i'll be praying for you. you should be proud of having such friends as Cel too, it was really nice the tiwist that she gave, and knowing that there are others who are going through the same trials and are fighting alongside you should is really great :) GBY Cel! i don't think i know you,but tx :) and GBY for keeping going on, and for beeing such an encouragement to other fellow freinds such as Anj in this case :)
i want to give you both a big hug, but i guess you'll have to picture it in your mind ;) >:D<
and again, i'm praying for you Anj...
Dear Anj, I love you. Don't give up. Though life may make you feel so torn and dejected, hold on to the eternal promise that praise can set you spirit to flight.
Thank you, Cel. That made perfect sense and is a funny little reminder of the bigger perspective. Thank you for that. xxx
Dear Anj...umm.. I don't know u, but I just wanna say this prayer made me cry(of happiness) that someone out there feels my pain and knows what it feels like to be torn apart, and to feel like u cannot go on. Im personnally going through one of the biggest trials of my life and it is so hard to pray a prayer like that....but u know what? as I was reading it and through my tears and aching heart
I prayed your prayer and I know that the Lord will heal the pain I feel inside that threatens to take away my very life. I love you and Im praying for u...pls pray for me no name needed the Lord knows who I am.
Dear Anonymous,
I'm praying for you. I know what it feels like and though I'm not yet through the tunnel, I know the Lord is holding and carrying me. Without that little bit of sanity to hold on to, we're all lost! I know the Lord will do amazing miracles for you and when this time of Jordan is past, we'll be able to look back with thankful hearts. xxx
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