Of Forgiveness ...

There is a girl I love incredibly much! I wanted so much for her to become the disciple I knew she could be. I wanted to help her realize her dreams and hold her hand through life's battles.
Then an unexpected turn of events... She wanted something very badly... and in her desire for it, she took it from me. I know how much she wanted it and I would have given it to her... But I was too late. It was stolen from me. I know it was not entirely her fault and I didn't blame her. But I hurt that she tried to hide it from me. Maybe she didn't know what to do... she didn't know how to handle the situation... I understand that... but every child knows that if you want something, you don't grab it from the other person. Still... it happens!
I forgave her that hurt and started to mend. 'Til I discovered that what she had taken was now turned against me. What was once cherished, was now despised. What used to be a friend to me, now stabbed me over and over. What used to lift me up when I was down, now kicked me when I had fallen. The pain was too real. I couldn't deal with it.
People say I'm strong... but I'm not really. I broke! - in the worst possible way. I lost control! I let the forgiveness and love I had felt turn to anger and bitterness. It's not that I despise her or hate her. I just hate what has become of that "object of affection".
When it is close to her, it pushes me further away. When it is nice to her, it tramples on me. Perhaps it feels guilt at its betrayal... I don't know. There's no hope of ever finding out. Our connection is lost forever. It was severed so rudely and so completely.
I don't blame her. But the pain is so very real. Still today, when things are said or memories brought up, I feel that intense pain all over again. My heart burns and the ache returns. I don't know how to cope with it because I was never so brutally wounded. I was never so publicly humiliated. So in my confusion and struggle, I push her away.
She thinks I hate her, that I do not love her... But part of me aches for her. I only cannot come to terms with all these emotions and hurt. When I am despised by what used to love me, I know that it's because it is close to her. It's not her fault... and yet, in a sense, if she wasn't there, perhaps it would not be that way.
We're two very different people, from two opposite ends of the spectrum... and yet, we're so very similar. I wish I could find a way to show you I love you and I don't hate you. I wish we could be the friends we used to be. Please don't think I push you away in anger... it's only because I'm not strong enough to deal with this hurt. Please understand that if I could, I would go back and change things... I would give you what you wanted, in return for an ounce of love and respect from it. But alas, its feelings are beyond our control... you now have its love and I will remain despised.
I love you, girl! You are a shining sample of love and dedication. I only wish I could have your poise and grace. Perhaps I lack the courage to tell you this to your face. I don't know. I've often wanted to say it to you... but sometimes I think you won't understand me. I know I inflicted pain on you, I know I hurt you beyond repair. I don't know why I do what I do. I only hope that I can show you somehow that you are loved and appreciated.


I doubt you even know I have a blog... but perhaps you will stumble upon this and know that underneath it all, you are loved and always will be!